It's not a small world after all.

When we worry we feel closed in and feel like there will be no way out. Next time fears are growing, take a moment to breathe, open your eyes and see how big the world is. Look at it as all the possibilities we can ponder over and explore.  Love simple!

Never thought it could, but it happened to me

It happened to me.  Never thought it would and before it did happen, I always wondered how women could fall victim to abuse.  In 2006, my son was born and he was very hard to care for as he had colic and wouldn't just cry but scream all day and yes, all night leaving me minutes at most to care about everything else. Many emotions ran wild through me and before long my postpartum depression was really severe and a relapse into anorexia had blossomed.  That is when he (abuser) crept in and took over.  Not only was he my abuser but my co-worker and close family friend.  He wore many different abuser hats to the various co-workers in the office.  His powers to each were either verbal, threats and praising, silent treatment, stalking and sexual.  I endured them all and I had no idea how or why until it was almost to late.

Excuse my french, but SHIT this is gonna be hard.  However, I got in many ways through this and you need to know that you can too.  With work, time does heal.  You do not have to agree to a situation to accept it, but accepting the fact it is what it is will help you heal, let go and move forward.  So, here I go...

It all started when all of us from the office went out for dinner and drinks.  It was a great night full of laughter and good friendship.  My husband was out with us as well as other spouses too.  Paul had left early to go home to our kids.  He offered to give me a ride home as well as some other co-workers.  As the night ended for all of us, He was the one to give me a ride home.  I was comfortable with it and didn't think any different due to our professional relationship as well as our friendship.  As we came close to my home, he pulled over to the side a block away.  I instantly was wondering what was up and before I knew it, his hand went into my blouse and he touched me inappropriately  As fast as he reached in, he pulled back and said "sorry".  In shock, I said back "that's ok", got out of his car and went into my home.  Stunned in the bathroom, I purged and used self-harm behaviors.  I really didn't know what to think or how to feel.  This was something I really didn't expect from this person.

That Monday, I told him that behavior was NEVER to happen again.  He agreed and seemed remorseful and promised to never to touch me again.  He lied.

As he violently harassed others in the office verbally, he also threatened jobs.  He would snap and scream at the supervisors and managers to have my co-worker fired.  He also told me I'd lose my job if I told on him. I fell for it.  I believed my co-worker was about to lose her job because of him (she eventually was transferred to another department). So I hid deep inside myself.  Every grab, touch, "hug" from him killed another part of my existence. I starved more and more.  After an incident with him, I got in my car and drove down and icy and snowy street, turned the wheel hard in hopes of hitting a tree.  My mind was flying with thoughts and I did not want to live that way any more.  I missed the tree but not the ditch.  I was stuck.

Not long after this, I was hospitalized for my anorexia and depression.  Slowly I got stronger and eventually told on him.  Others too came forward with similar situations to mine as well as the other abuse he did to them.  He admitted to it all and was fired.

I continued to work in the department but it was hard due to the haunting of his being.  Every time I heard the door open I cringed.  His office still contained his evilness. I needed to leave the place.  When I did a huge weight was lifted from me and it eventually got easier to live.

However, to this day, every time I see a silver car I think of him and need to look at the license plate.  He used to follow me and it still scares me.  If I see a man that looks similar to him or his culture, I freak and truly believe its him and panic.  I dream of him all the time and wish it would stop.

Sexual harassment/abuse needs to stop!  It ruins everything and even though I'm trying hard to recover and forget, it never goes away.  I cannot trust and he ruined me wanting to work in hospital like settings.  I'm afraid of him still.

I almost killed myself because I felt I wasn't strong enough.  With help and support I was able to live and I am still thriving.  You can too, it takes time and yes that part sucks but it can and will get easier.  We have to learn to let go, accept and move on.  I am here for you and hope you are here for me as well as we will get through this and fight together!

Love Simple.

Saving Who?

Laying in bed trying to fall asleep when I realize that all I ever think about is saving the world.  I put all my energy into thinking about what I can do, who I can help, who needs cheering up and worrying about everything.  Sometimes I do good with this and sometimes its a fleeting thought, but what is fleeting is the guilt I feel when I cannot fulfill saving the world.  Then, I realized, I need to save myself first.  Myself?  How the heck do I do that?  If I truly want to help others, I need to start at home first.  Right?

"Tell me about yourself"..."Who is Sara"? These questions pop up from time to time for everyone.  Interviews, school quizzes, therapy and friends. I hate these type of questions.  Sometimes I have a back up script to tell but when I stop to think about it, I really have no idea who I truly am.

My name is Sara and I am 33-years-old.  I am a wife and mother of 2.  Other than that, I don't know much else than titles.  I am in life long recovery from eating disorders, depression.  I used to be a medical assistant. I know I love helping others feel better.  I enjoy being a mom and wife but I don't know who I am.  However, I know that I am ready to begin that journey.  I need to.  I want to live.  So, I shall begin a new chapter.  I owe it to myself.

One thing is that I need to stop feeling so inferior or unworthy of others love and friendship.  Growing up and to this day, I never feel good enough and feel the need to prove myself.  Relatives and mom's friends often talked about how sad our life was and when I looked at our struggles and compared to their great homes and life I could feel the pity and could hear the back stabbing talks.  Maybe that is why I feel guilt and shame to this day, I don't know.  So, I will start taking ownership of my own thoughts and home life.  It's not yours, its mine.  I need to quit hiding and that will help Sara come out and live more.  Let go of stuff but keep the experience and continue the journey of open doors.

Today I own me.  I will take care of me and my family.  I know I enjoy them and that I will have fun at bowling with them.  I enjoy cuddling them.  Tomorrow I start work again.  It is a place I love to work and I will take it moment by moment.  I also will make my goal to be kinder to me through thoughts, food and health.  Moment by moment and to not think black or white but open the clouds to let the rainbow colors light up the in between for a kinder world.  I'll keep you posted as well as I am open to suggestions or idea's that may have helped you learn who you are.  Love simple my friends.