It happened to me. Never thought it would and before it did happen, I always wondered how women could fall victim to abuse. In 2006, my son was born and he was very hard to care for as he had colic and wouldn't just cry but scream all day and yes, all night leaving me minutes at most to care about everything else. Many emotions ran wild through me and before long my postpartum depression was really severe and a relapse into anorexia had blossomed. That is when he (abuser) crept in and took over. Not only was he my abuser but my co-worker and close family friend. He wore many different abuser hats to the various co-workers in the office. His powers to each were either verbal, threats and praising, silent treatment, stalking and sexual. I endured them all and I had no idea how or why until it was almost to late.
Excuse my french, but SHIT this is gonna be hard. However, I got in many ways through this and you need to know that you can too. With work, time does heal. You do not have to agree to a situation to accept it, but accepting the fact it is what it is will help you heal, let go and move forward. So, here I go...
It all started when all of us from the office went out for dinner and drinks. It was a great night full of laughter and good friendship. My husband was out with us as well as other spouses too. Paul had left early to go home to our kids. He offered to give me a ride home as well as some other co-workers. As the night ended for all of us, He was the one to give me a ride home. I was comfortable with it and didn't think any different due to our professional relationship as well as our friendship. As we came close to my home, he pulled over to the side a block away. I instantly was wondering what was up and before I knew it, his hand went into my blouse and he touched me inappropriately As fast as he reached in, he pulled back and said "sorry". In shock, I said back "that's ok", got out of his car and went into my home. Stunned in the bathroom, I purged and used self-harm behaviors. I really didn't know what to think or how to feel. This was something I really didn't expect from this person.
That Monday, I told him that behavior was NEVER to happen again. He agreed and seemed remorseful and promised to never to touch me again. He lied.
As he violently harassed others in the office verbally, he also threatened jobs. He would snap and scream at the supervisors and managers to have my co-worker fired. He also told me I'd lose my job if I told on him. I fell for it. I believed my co-worker was about to lose her job because of him (she eventually was transferred to another department). So I hid deep inside myself. Every grab, touch, "hug" from him killed another part of my existence. I starved more and more. After an incident with him, I got in my car and drove down and icy and snowy street, turned the wheel hard in hopes of hitting a tree. My mind was flying with thoughts and I did not want to live that way any more. I missed the tree but not the ditch. I was stuck.
Not long after this, I was hospitalized for my anorexia and depression. Slowly I got stronger and eventually told on him. Others too came forward with similar situations to mine as well as the other abuse he did to them. He admitted to it all and was fired.
I continued to work in the department but it was hard due to the haunting of his being. Every time I heard the door open I cringed. His office still contained his evilness. I needed to leave the place. When I did a huge weight was lifted from me and it eventually got easier to live.
However, to this day, every time I see a silver car I think of him and need to look at the license plate. He used to follow me and it still scares me. If I see a man that looks similar to him or his culture, I freak and truly believe its him and panic. I dream of him all the time and wish it would stop.
Sexual harassment/abuse needs to stop! It ruins everything and even though I'm trying hard to recover and forget, it never goes away. I cannot trust and he ruined me wanting to work in hospital like settings. I'm afraid of him still.
I almost killed myself because I felt I wasn't strong enough. With help and support I was able to live and I am still thriving. You can too, it takes time and yes that part sucks but it can and will get easier. We have to learn to let go, accept and move on. I am here for you and hope you are here for me as well as we will get through this and fight together!
Love Simple.
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