Saving Who?

Laying in bed trying to fall asleep when I realize that all I ever think about is saving the world.  I put all my energy into thinking about what I can do, who I can help, who needs cheering up and worrying about everything.  Sometimes I do good with this and sometimes its a fleeting thought, but what is fleeting is the guilt I feel when I cannot fulfill saving the world.  Then, I realized, I need to save myself first.  Myself?  How the heck do I do that?  If I truly want to help others, I need to start at home first.  Right?

"Tell me about yourself"..."Who is Sara"? These questions pop up from time to time for everyone.  Interviews, school quizzes, therapy and friends. I hate these type of questions.  Sometimes I have a back up script to tell but when I stop to think about it, I really have no idea who I truly am.

My name is Sara and I am 33-years-old.  I am a wife and mother of 2.  Other than that, I don't know much else than titles.  I am in life long recovery from eating disorders, depression.  I used to be a medical assistant. I know I love helping others feel better.  I enjoy being a mom and wife but I don't know who I am.  However, I know that I am ready to begin that journey.  I need to.  I want to live.  So, I shall begin a new chapter.  I owe it to myself.

One thing is that I need to stop feeling so inferior or unworthy of others love and friendship.  Growing up and to this day, I never feel good enough and feel the need to prove myself.  Relatives and mom's friends often talked about how sad our life was and when I looked at our struggles and compared to their great homes and life I could feel the pity and could hear the back stabbing talks.  Maybe that is why I feel guilt and shame to this day, I don't know.  So, I will start taking ownership of my own thoughts and home life.  It's not yours, its mine.  I need to quit hiding and that will help Sara come out and live more.  Let go of stuff but keep the experience and continue the journey of open doors.

Today I own me.  I will take care of me and my family.  I know I enjoy them and that I will have fun at bowling with them.  I enjoy cuddling them.  Tomorrow I start work again.  It is a place I love to work and I will take it moment by moment.  I also will make my goal to be kinder to me through thoughts, food and health.  Moment by moment and to not think black or white but open the clouds to let the rainbow colors light up the in between for a kinder world.  I'll keep you posted as well as I am open to suggestions or idea's that may have helped you learn who you are.  Love simple my friends.