It has been about 5 days into another bout of extreme exhaustion. I hate this feeling. All week I've thought about blogging about it but couldn't muster up enough energy. As a mom and wife, this leaves with unbearable guilt, shame and a no-good feeling. My exhaustion isn't just feeling tired, its like my whole body is weighed down with tons of lead and my eyes tear up with yawns. It is like when you stay up all night over and over and get so tired that your body just doesn't function anymore. I feel like I could pass out in a deep sleep at any one moment. During my bouts, I get headaches and or migraines, sometimes get nauseated and usually always feel weak and will have dizzy spells. Knock on wood, this week I have not had a migraine.
I do my best as a mother to keep on keeping on. My daughter is so kind to me and will always tell me that its okay and that she still loves me. Makes me sad that I cannot do more. I know that on my good days, I can and we make the most of it. I love hiking, playing, bike riding and all that fun stuff.
Yesterday, we tried the park. Kids wanted to hike and I just couldn't do it. So, we played at the park for a little bit and then decided to walk the path to another playing park at this same park. Half way there I thought I was gonna just fall and pass out. I just kept on going with the picnic table in sight as my reward. Such an awful feeling.
Last year, before my insurance ended, I was diagnosed with Lupus. I was put on a medication to see if it would help. I never got to stay on it and never followed up due to no insurance. I know I need to fight and get help. I need to find out what is really wrong as I owe to myself and my family. I know I have depression and even though its well under control, when I have these bouts it does bring me down. I just want to be better. I do keep myself hydrated the best I can too on these days and sleep is never enough and I often will miss meals. Gah!
I've missed out on so much because of this. Weddings, parties, get togethers and life in general. I really want to feel better.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
"Not another Grandparent"
During a recent yard sale I had held a woman who looked to be in her mid 50's came to shop for her 7-year-old grandson. She had been looking for some clothing to start his upcoming school year. We struck up conversation quickly because my son is the same age and I had her grandson's size clothing for sale. This woman opened up me that she was raising her grandson and had been since the age of 6 months. At this point of our conversation, I realized how worn out she looked as she sat on the grass to go through the clothes and her purse for money. So, I sat and listened as well as shared my mother's story to let her know and feel that she was not alone. Then I wondered, how many other grandparents feel alone and unsupported while taking on the role of parent and raising grandchildren.
I've seen my mom struggle for the past 13 years in pretty much raising my brother's 4 children. While she is not financially stable herself, she has done everything possible to make sure his children are cared for. She has bought school supplies, clothing, food and sheltered them with her home, love and discipline. Doctor visits, softball and school are were/are part of her daily life with these kids. She is not only a parent to her son but his kids as well and all without much support.
As this lady sat there telling me her story, she mentioned that when her grandson was a baby she had to take him to the WIC (Women of infant and children) so she could get aid in formula/baby food. While walking in, she overheard the lady at the front desk say, "Not another grandparent". She was taken back by that statement and felt judged, so she decided to speak up and ask her what that meant. The WIC receptionist told her she just sees so many grandparents raising kids these days. She finished the appointment and left and just kept on going on. Seven years later, she is still the parent.
While swapping stories of hers and my mothers, finances came up. She went on to tell me that when she got her grandson, he was behind on his well visits, immunizations as well as some other medical needs that she lost her job due to all his needed care. Wow!
When I worked as a medical assistant in a pediatric clinic, I did see this as well and honestly, I guess I didn't realize how much they do for so little in return until now. It's also easy for us to pass judgement and turn our heads or ignore the issue because we are unsure how to help. If we are unsure, think about how they must feel.
From my experience, most grandparents are raising grandchildren because their own child is addicted to drugs, alcohol abuse or incarceration. I can only imagine what that must feel like. Having a child who is abusing drugs and probably homeless or close to it and doing your best to give your grandchild a better and safe home has got to be the most heart wrenching "job" there is. I've seen my own mother give tough love to my brother and even in darkest times, she will only let the kids live with her. She knows that he needs to learn for himself. How painful but kudos to her for being so strong.
Of course there are other circumstances beyond anyone's control to reasons grandparents raise grandchildren, but the support isn't any different. I think we owe it to them to smile and say "hello" more. Offer hand-me-downs of our children's outgrown clothing and an ear to listen from time to time. After all, these children are our next generation and will be taking care of us when we are older.
My grandmother didn't raise me but she was always there for me and still is. I am so thankful for her. This blog is a shout out to all grandparents out there. Such a special role they play in our children's lives. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa's of the world. Keep on keeping on!
I've seen my mom struggle for the past 13 years in pretty much raising my brother's 4 children. While she is not financially stable herself, she has done everything possible to make sure his children are cared for. She has bought school supplies, clothing, food and sheltered them with her home, love and discipline. Doctor visits, softball and school are were/are part of her daily life with these kids. She is not only a parent to her son but his kids as well and all without much support.
As this lady sat there telling me her story, she mentioned that when her grandson was a baby she had to take him to the WIC (Women of infant and children) so she could get aid in formula/baby food. While walking in, she overheard the lady at the front desk say, "Not another grandparent". She was taken back by that statement and felt judged, so she decided to speak up and ask her what that meant. The WIC receptionist told her she just sees so many grandparents raising kids these days. She finished the appointment and left and just kept on going on. Seven years later, she is still the parent.
While swapping stories of hers and my mothers, finances came up. She went on to tell me that when she got her grandson, he was behind on his well visits, immunizations as well as some other medical needs that she lost her job due to all his needed care. Wow!
When I worked as a medical assistant in a pediatric clinic, I did see this as well and honestly, I guess I didn't realize how much they do for so little in return until now. It's also easy for us to pass judgement and turn our heads or ignore the issue because we are unsure how to help. If we are unsure, think about how they must feel.
From my experience, most grandparents are raising grandchildren because their own child is addicted to drugs, alcohol abuse or incarceration. I can only imagine what that must feel like. Having a child who is abusing drugs and probably homeless or close to it and doing your best to give your grandchild a better and safe home has got to be the most heart wrenching "job" there is. I've seen my own mother give tough love to my brother and even in darkest times, she will only let the kids live with her. She knows that he needs to learn for himself. How painful but kudos to her for being so strong.
Of course there are other circumstances beyond anyone's control to reasons grandparents raise grandchildren, but the support isn't any different. I think we owe it to them to smile and say "hello" more. Offer hand-me-downs of our children's outgrown clothing and an ear to listen from time to time. After all, these children are our next generation and will be taking care of us when we are older.
My grandmother didn't raise me but she was always there for me and still is. I am so thankful for her. This blog is a shout out to all grandparents out there. Such a special role they play in our children's lives. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa's of the world. Keep on keeping on!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Recovery note I wrote a couple years ago
My eating disorder and recovery
Feb 21, 2008 was not a very memorable date, however it will always be engraved in my head. My step-dad's 50th birthday and day of his surprise party and I was admitted to a Milwaukee hospital for my eating disorder and depression. I was at work and pretty much forced to walk down what seemed a looooong hall to the ER by my supervisor and the dr I worked with then. I was so scared but so numb at the same time I could have cared less what was happening. In fact, I was close to dying I think from either my anorexia or by the hands of my depressed self.
I am so glad looking back that I was admitted to the hospital. Of course it was not good timing, at least for me. I wanted ed to go away, however, I didn't want to be there because I had a family, I had work and had whatever else was going on. Of course looking back, I wasn't being a "mom", I was just a female person in my home. I wasn't a good employee, I was just someone who existed in the dark.
Being admitted that day started a huge process. Oh my was it scary as hell and hurt like hell to at times. After a brief admission, I started IOP and day treatments, eventually went back to work while continuing night therapy at the Milwaukee hospital. That went on from 2/2008 until 8/2008. With in that time, I became stronger and clearer. Of course my recovery with ed started sometime during that period as well. Becoming strong in that time meant that I could start telling the truth and be open about demons in my life. I realized I did NOT want to die and that I wanted to live. I started to let go of the bad. Letting go of the bad and learning to let in the good. Its a process that started then and continuing in my new life of recovery.
I had a crazy few years since then. Quit jobs, started jobs, started stuff and quite stuff. I didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted. Depression lingered and ed snuck in here and there. (sometimes his voice is so damn loud it just keeps ringing in your ears!) But I kept fighting, crying and talking. Many of you reading this also kept me fighting and with out all of you, I may not being doing so darn well.
All in all, the last week of Feb is eating disorder awareness week. That mom who sits next to you at work may not be who you think she is, or that kid in your class may not be so "perfect". they maybe dying of an eating disorder. If you know someone with an eating disorder don't turn your head, please. You don't even have to say anything to them, just showing them that you care may mean all the world to them. Also, next time you call yourself fat or feel defeated because oops, you went up in size don't demean yourself. Instead embrace yourself. Its who you are RIGHT now at this very moment and you are still that same person that many many people love. Just pick yourself back up and rethink your life plan. Its your journey with your thoughts.
I cannot tell you my exact "day 1 of recovery" because I really don't know the last day I purged, restricted or used any ed behaviors. I know that I started my journey sometime shortly after being admitted in 2008. I can tell you my recovery is still in process. I still see a "treatment team". MY weight has been up and down along with my depression, but I am honest with myself and my support. I do know that I am in STRONG recovery and wish to stay there a long time.
I believe I almost died if I didn't get admitted that day. Eating disorders are deadly illnesses that just take over like wild fire. It hurt like hell to start letting it go and getting better but its sooooo worth it. Its a fight. Recovery takes a lot but after awhile, recovery is just 2nd nature and living is so much easier. I still have bad days and darn it, Im still not perfect but I am alive and loved.
I'm not sure if this note is just a bunch of rambling or if it will mean anything to whoever reads it, but I just wanted to let you all know how I am doing and to let others know that its ok to go into recovery.
Much Love,
Sara
I am so glad looking back that I was admitted to the hospital. Of course it was not good timing, at least for me. I wanted ed to go away, however, I didn't want to be there because I had a family, I had work and had whatever else was going on. Of course looking back, I wasn't being a "mom", I was just a female person in my home. I wasn't a good employee, I was just someone who existed in the dark.
Being admitted that day started a huge process. Oh my was it scary as hell and hurt like hell to at times. After a brief admission, I started IOP and day treatments, eventually went back to work while continuing night therapy at the Milwaukee hospital. That went on from 2/2008 until 8/2008. With in that time, I became stronger and clearer. Of course my recovery with ed started sometime during that period as well. Becoming strong in that time meant that I could start telling the truth and be open about demons in my life. I realized I did NOT want to die and that I wanted to live. I started to let go of the bad. Letting go of the bad and learning to let in the good. Its a process that started then and continuing in my new life of recovery.
I had a crazy few years since then. Quit jobs, started jobs, started stuff and quite stuff. I didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted. Depression lingered and ed snuck in here and there. (sometimes his voice is so damn loud it just keeps ringing in your ears!) But I kept fighting, crying and talking. Many of you reading this also kept me fighting and with out all of you, I may not being doing so darn well.
All in all, the last week of Feb is eating disorder awareness week. That mom who sits next to you at work may not be who you think she is, or that kid in your class may not be so "perfect". they maybe dying of an eating disorder. If you know someone with an eating disorder don't turn your head, please. You don't even have to say anything to them, just showing them that you care may mean all the world to them. Also, next time you call yourself fat or feel defeated because oops, you went up in size don't demean yourself. Instead embrace yourself. Its who you are RIGHT now at this very moment and you are still that same person that many many people love. Just pick yourself back up and rethink your life plan. Its your journey with your thoughts.
I cannot tell you my exact "day 1 of recovery" because I really don't know the last day I purged, restricted or used any ed behaviors. I know that I started my journey sometime shortly after being admitted in 2008. I can tell you my recovery is still in process. I still see a "treatment team". MY weight has been up and down along with my depression, but I am honest with myself and my support. I do know that I am in STRONG recovery and wish to stay there a long time.
I believe I almost died if I didn't get admitted that day. Eating disorders are deadly illnesses that just take over like wild fire. It hurt like hell to start letting it go and getting better but its sooooo worth it. Its a fight. Recovery takes a lot but after awhile, recovery is just 2nd nature and living is so much easier. I still have bad days and darn it, Im still not perfect but I am alive and loved.
I'm not sure if this note is just a bunch of rambling or if it will mean anything to whoever reads it, but I just wanted to let you all know how I am doing and to let others know that its ok to go into recovery.
Much Love,
Sara
Friday, July 12, 2013
A peak into my eating disorder and depression
What does mental diagnoses and physical medical diagnoses have in common? They both need a doctor to diagnose and treatment cost a lot of moola. What does it NOT have in common? Acceptance.
They run in every family, including yours and mine. However, some are hidden in the closet. Some hide treatment in fear of losing respect or social gain. Some are proud and advocate while others do the prescribed treatment plan and sit back to do no more. Another thing in common is that, while these diagnoses run in every family worldwide, relatives and close friends will undermine the diagnoses and you are left alone.
All alone. I know that I feel and have felt this way to many times in my life. Mostly with my depression and eating disorders. I do believe mental illnesses have a bigger stigma and are looked down upon more so than a "real physical medical diagnoses". I know that this has left me to struggle in shame and I have had such a hard time accepting myself. Even to this day, it can be pretty lonely.
My self-esteem issues started as early as about 2nd grade and bloomed into depression and my eating disorder started to take over my body and mind in 5th grade. I believe I am genetically prone as well as I had many environmental factors that created such mental monster in my being. I blame no one for the way I am. We all have faults. Being a child with this illness made me feel inferior, ashamed, horribly embarrassed, and that I was undeserving of all good that life had to offer me. Vicious circles created a long path of devastation.
When I look at my family and its history, I believe most have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism or used food addictions. These addictions are an illness but also a symptom to help us deal with our lives being out of order or just plain stress in general. Looking back, I used food in such powerful ways to try and destroy me. Bad days, anxiety filled days, good days, all days and if some pissed me off or belittled me. I felt so unworthy that the only way to numb the pain was to binge and purge and restrict myself of food. My eating disorder was my escape from not only pain but reality. I knew I was in control and that the sicker I was, the safer I would be. When I say "safe", it is means that I was alone. No one bothered me, I didn't have to participate in life. Actually, I wasn't even living but just an empty Sara with no soul. While in my relapse of anorexia in 2006, I knew I was close to death but in ways that didn't bother me because I was already so lifeless. I do want you to know that all eating disorder do differ from person to person.
I am doing well with the eating disorder recovery as in actual text book symptoms of the behaviors that are used to diagnose such. However, to this day, it is harder for me to eat a healthy well balanced diet. To me, healthy food=healthy body and healthy body=happiness. Most days, I still feel unworthy of happiness. Have no fear though, I've come a long way and I know that this is changing for the better. I do try to be more mindful of what I need because I do want to continue recovery and strive in the life I have created for me. After all, I have a great husband, 2 amazing kids and a safe home. I do love the life I live in, I just need to keep learning to do the actual living. I do have some ideas, goals and changes that I have started on and want to start on in the future. (Sorry, later blog!)
Now, my depression. That is a whole mess of a story! Depression will always be with me I believe and I have continued to work in therapy, use my tools and trying hard to keep it manageable. Its hard for me to be accepting of this especially when others are quick to judge and use words such as "Snap out of it" or "This again" and "I'm used to it, its become a daily thing with you". Encouragement or reverse psychology you may be thinking, but as someone who suffers with major depressive disorder, it makes me feel even worse. I guess I don't have a clear statement of what you should say or do but I do know that sometimes I feel that I just want a big hug and a feeling of its going to be okay. Oh, but as an adult, I also battle with the whole grow up feeling and the whole I should be this or do this. Crazy head battle I tell you, but I guess that's what help those with depression isolate. Fear of rejection and petty back talk and stares. Easier to stay home. I'd say in this pass year, I've gained better control of some areas and in the others are clearer understanding of whats going on and ways of coping. I have taught myself to step back and break up the "high standard of what I should be doing" and focus on one task at a time. This has helped me greatly and some days, I can accomplish a whole lot more than what I had planned. Yes, some days, I barely make it through and on those days I try stay "grounded" and remind myself that its okay and that my body just need rest. Work in progress.
Therapy treatments have taught me that what worked for me may not work for you. We all have different factors that play a role in our illnesses and just as we all learn things better one way than another, recovery is the same. With my eating disorder, not counting days of behavior free or eating disorder free helped me stay strong. If I focused on the number of days and then had a "slip" the all or nothing thinking would bite my ass. So, as of today, I am in about 4 years of strong recovery from behaviors and honestly can say that I have no idea on an actual starting date. I am totally A OKAY with that!
They run in every family, including yours and mine. However, some are hidden in the closet. Some hide treatment in fear of losing respect or social gain. Some are proud and advocate while others do the prescribed treatment plan and sit back to do no more. Another thing in common is that, while these diagnoses run in every family worldwide, relatives and close friends will undermine the diagnoses and you are left alone.
All alone. I know that I feel and have felt this way to many times in my life. Mostly with my depression and eating disorders. I do believe mental illnesses have a bigger stigma and are looked down upon more so than a "real physical medical diagnoses". I know that this has left me to struggle in shame and I have had such a hard time accepting myself. Even to this day, it can be pretty lonely.
My self-esteem issues started as early as about 2nd grade and bloomed into depression and my eating disorder started to take over my body and mind in 5th grade. I believe I am genetically prone as well as I had many environmental factors that created such mental monster in my being. I blame no one for the way I am. We all have faults. Being a child with this illness made me feel inferior, ashamed, horribly embarrassed, and that I was undeserving of all good that life had to offer me. Vicious circles created a long path of devastation.
When I look at my family and its history, I believe most have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism or used food addictions. These addictions are an illness but also a symptom to help us deal with our lives being out of order or just plain stress in general. Looking back, I used food in such powerful ways to try and destroy me. Bad days, anxiety filled days, good days, all days and if some pissed me off or belittled me. I felt so unworthy that the only way to numb the pain was to binge and purge and restrict myself of food. My eating disorder was my escape from not only pain but reality. I knew I was in control and that the sicker I was, the safer I would be. When I say "safe", it is means that I was alone. No one bothered me, I didn't have to participate in life. Actually, I wasn't even living but just an empty Sara with no soul. While in my relapse of anorexia in 2006, I knew I was close to death but in ways that didn't bother me because I was already so lifeless. I do want you to know that all eating disorder do differ from person to person.
I am doing well with the eating disorder recovery as in actual text book symptoms of the behaviors that are used to diagnose such. However, to this day, it is harder for me to eat a healthy well balanced diet. To me, healthy food=healthy body and healthy body=happiness. Most days, I still feel unworthy of happiness. Have no fear though, I've come a long way and I know that this is changing for the better. I do try to be more mindful of what I need because I do want to continue recovery and strive in the life I have created for me. After all, I have a great husband, 2 amazing kids and a safe home. I do love the life I live in, I just need to keep learning to do the actual living. I do have some ideas, goals and changes that I have started on and want to start on in the future. (Sorry, later blog!)
Now, my depression. That is a whole mess of a story! Depression will always be with me I believe and I have continued to work in therapy, use my tools and trying hard to keep it manageable. Its hard for me to be accepting of this especially when others are quick to judge and use words such as "Snap out of it" or "This again" and "I'm used to it, its become a daily thing with you". Encouragement or reverse psychology you may be thinking, but as someone who suffers with major depressive disorder, it makes me feel even worse. I guess I don't have a clear statement of what you should say or do but I do know that sometimes I feel that I just want a big hug and a feeling of its going to be okay. Oh, but as an adult, I also battle with the whole grow up feeling and the whole I should be this or do this. Crazy head battle I tell you, but I guess that's what help those with depression isolate. Fear of rejection and petty back talk and stares. Easier to stay home. I'd say in this pass year, I've gained better control of some areas and in the others are clearer understanding of whats going on and ways of coping. I have taught myself to step back and break up the "high standard of what I should be doing" and focus on one task at a time. This has helped me greatly and some days, I can accomplish a whole lot more than what I had planned. Yes, some days, I barely make it through and on those days I try stay "grounded" and remind myself that its okay and that my body just need rest. Work in progress.
Therapy treatments have taught me that what worked for me may not work for you. We all have different factors that play a role in our illnesses and just as we all learn things better one way than another, recovery is the same. With my eating disorder, not counting days of behavior free or eating disorder free helped me stay strong. If I focused on the number of days and then had a "slip" the all or nothing thinking would bite my ass. So, as of today, I am in about 4 years of strong recovery from behaviors and honestly can say that I have no idea on an actual starting date. I am totally A OKAY with that!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Starting Line!
I have always wanted to start blogging about my crazy path to happier and healthy living all while joggling recovery from bulimia/anorexia, depression/anxiety, health issues, marriage, motherhood and day to day living. I've been struggling with starting because I just do not know where or how to start. So, here I go...
I've realized that for the past 33 years, I've been traveling the crazy path trying to break free into the "normal" world that my brain and the world created for me. Huh,what a crock of, well, crap! Normal? Seriously? Truth is, normal is a truthful word for "it just ain't gonna happen and normal is all just imaginative". I've struggled with bulimia and anorexia since the age of 11 and since have battled with major depression among other mental and non-mental diagnoses. I always would say to myself and others that "I just want to be normal". My normal meant happy go lucky, feeling free, drinking coffee with friends before work and being able to handle it all. In a way, I feel like the failing perfectionist because I set my standards for myself so high and pile it on thick that most times I cannot even achieve half of the goal or task.
Over the past year I have come to many realizations to aid in recovery and better living all around. I have a ton of work left and that is okay because that is life. Like the old saying goes, "You learn something new everyday". In my blog writing I am hoping to reach out to other moms battling with similar issues, especially depression. I want others to know that no matter what the issues at hand are, you can get through it and in the end, it can be okay. I've been through a lot of crap in my 33 years and am very certain that I will go through a lot more as I continue to live my life. So, as I continue to live my life, I want you to do the same. LIVE life. Not just wake up and go through the motions but to actually start living. It's hard as heck, but we can do it with small changes. I've started with gratitude. I am so grateful for my 2 children. Each day I try to capture a moment with them. It may be only a minute long (you know kids!). Being in the backyard gardening, beach time or just holding a conversation of something they are interested in.
I am so not perfect and like I said, I have tons of work to do on myself but I have a PURPOSE in this world and I really feel that a part of that purpose is to reach out and share my story, inspire those suffering while keeping my eyes open to those inspiring me.
Thank you for reading my first post in my very first blog. I am so excited as I have so many ideas of what and how to share my crazy life journey!
Love Simple,
Sara
I've realized that for the past 33 years, I've been traveling the crazy path trying to break free into the "normal" world that my brain and the world created for me. Huh,what a crock of, well, crap! Normal? Seriously? Truth is, normal is a truthful word for "it just ain't gonna happen and normal is all just imaginative". I've struggled with bulimia and anorexia since the age of 11 and since have battled with major depression among other mental and non-mental diagnoses. I always would say to myself and others that "I just want to be normal". My normal meant happy go lucky, feeling free, drinking coffee with friends before work and being able to handle it all. In a way, I feel like the failing perfectionist because I set my standards for myself so high and pile it on thick that most times I cannot even achieve half of the goal or task.
Over the past year I have come to many realizations to aid in recovery and better living all around. I have a ton of work left and that is okay because that is life. Like the old saying goes, "You learn something new everyday". In my blog writing I am hoping to reach out to other moms battling with similar issues, especially depression. I want others to know that no matter what the issues at hand are, you can get through it and in the end, it can be okay. I've been through a lot of crap in my 33 years and am very certain that I will go through a lot more as I continue to live my life. So, as I continue to live my life, I want you to do the same. LIVE life. Not just wake up and go through the motions but to actually start living. It's hard as heck, but we can do it with small changes. I've started with gratitude. I am so grateful for my 2 children. Each day I try to capture a moment with them. It may be only a minute long (you know kids!). Being in the backyard gardening, beach time or just holding a conversation of something they are interested in.
I am so not perfect and like I said, I have tons of work to do on myself but I have a PURPOSE in this world and I really feel that a part of that purpose is to reach out and share my story, inspire those suffering while keeping my eyes open to those inspiring me.
Thank you for reading my first post in my very first blog. I am so excited as I have so many ideas of what and how to share my crazy life journey!
Love Simple,
Sara
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