My eating disorder and recovery
Feb 21, 2008 was not a very memorable date, however it will always be engraved in my head. My step-dad's 50th birthday and day of his surprise party and I was admitted to a Milwaukee hospital for my eating disorder and depression. I was at work and pretty much forced to walk down what seemed a looooong hall to the ER by my supervisor and the dr I worked with then. I was so scared but so numb at the same time I could have cared less what was happening. In fact, I was close to dying I think from either my anorexia or by the hands of my depressed self.
I am so glad looking back that I was admitted to the hospital. Of course it was not good timing, at least for me. I wanted ed to go away, however, I didn't want to be there because I had a family, I had work and had whatever else was going on. Of course looking back, I wasn't being a "mom", I was just a female person in my home. I wasn't a good employee, I was just someone who existed in the dark.
Being admitted that day started a huge process. Oh my was it scary as hell and hurt like hell to at times. After a brief admission, I started IOP and day treatments, eventually went back to work while continuing night therapy at the Milwaukee hospital. That went on from 2/2008 until 8/2008. With in that time, I became stronger and clearer. Of course my recovery with ed started sometime during that period as well. Becoming strong in that time meant that I could start telling the truth and be open about demons in my life. I realized I did NOT want to die and that I wanted to live. I started to let go of the bad. Letting go of the bad and learning to let in the good. Its a process that started then and continuing in my new life of recovery.
I had a crazy few years since then. Quit jobs, started jobs, started stuff and quite stuff. I didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted. Depression lingered and ed snuck in here and there. (sometimes his voice is so damn loud it just keeps ringing in your ears!) But I kept fighting, crying and talking. Many of you reading this also kept me fighting and with out all of you, I may not being doing so darn well.
All in all, the last week of Feb is eating disorder awareness week. That mom who sits next to you at work may not be who you think she is, or that kid in your class may not be so "perfect". they maybe dying of an eating disorder. If you know someone with an eating disorder don't turn your head, please. You don't even have to say anything to them, just showing them that you care may mean all the world to them. Also, next time you call yourself fat or feel defeated because oops, you went up in size don't demean yourself. Instead embrace yourself. Its who you are RIGHT now at this very moment and you are still that same person that many many people love. Just pick yourself back up and rethink your life plan. Its your journey with your thoughts.
I cannot tell you my exact "day 1 of recovery" because I really don't know the last day I purged, restricted or used any ed behaviors. I know that I started my journey sometime shortly after being admitted in 2008. I can tell you my recovery is still in process. I still see a "treatment team". MY weight has been up and down along with my depression, but I am honest with myself and my support. I do know that I am in STRONG recovery and wish to stay there a long time.
I believe I almost died if I didn't get admitted that day. Eating disorders are deadly illnesses that just take over like wild fire. It hurt like hell to start letting it go and getting better but its sooooo worth it. Its a fight. Recovery takes a lot but after awhile, recovery is just 2nd nature and living is so much easier. I still have bad days and darn it, Im still not perfect but I am alive and loved.
I'm not sure if this note is just a bunch of rambling or if it will mean anything to whoever reads it, but I just wanted to let you all know how I am doing and to let others know that its ok to go into recovery.
Much Love,
Sara
I am so glad looking back that I was admitted to the hospital. Of course it was not good timing, at least for me. I wanted ed to go away, however, I didn't want to be there because I had a family, I had work and had whatever else was going on. Of course looking back, I wasn't being a "mom", I was just a female person in my home. I wasn't a good employee, I was just someone who existed in the dark.
Being admitted that day started a huge process. Oh my was it scary as hell and hurt like hell to at times. After a brief admission, I started IOP and day treatments, eventually went back to work while continuing night therapy at the Milwaukee hospital. That went on from 2/2008 until 8/2008. With in that time, I became stronger and clearer. Of course my recovery with ed started sometime during that period as well. Becoming strong in that time meant that I could start telling the truth and be open about demons in my life. I realized I did NOT want to die and that I wanted to live. I started to let go of the bad. Letting go of the bad and learning to let in the good. Its a process that started then and continuing in my new life of recovery.
I had a crazy few years since then. Quit jobs, started jobs, started stuff and quite stuff. I didn't know who the heck I was or what I wanted. Depression lingered and ed snuck in here and there. (sometimes his voice is so damn loud it just keeps ringing in your ears!) But I kept fighting, crying and talking. Many of you reading this also kept me fighting and with out all of you, I may not being doing so darn well.
All in all, the last week of Feb is eating disorder awareness week. That mom who sits next to you at work may not be who you think she is, or that kid in your class may not be so "perfect". they maybe dying of an eating disorder. If you know someone with an eating disorder don't turn your head, please. You don't even have to say anything to them, just showing them that you care may mean all the world to them. Also, next time you call yourself fat or feel defeated because oops, you went up in size don't demean yourself. Instead embrace yourself. Its who you are RIGHT now at this very moment and you are still that same person that many many people love. Just pick yourself back up and rethink your life plan. Its your journey with your thoughts.
I cannot tell you my exact "day 1 of recovery" because I really don't know the last day I purged, restricted or used any ed behaviors. I know that I started my journey sometime shortly after being admitted in 2008. I can tell you my recovery is still in process. I still see a "treatment team". MY weight has been up and down along with my depression, but I am honest with myself and my support. I do know that I am in STRONG recovery and wish to stay there a long time.
I believe I almost died if I didn't get admitted that day. Eating disorders are deadly illnesses that just take over like wild fire. It hurt like hell to start letting it go and getting better but its sooooo worth it. Its a fight. Recovery takes a lot but after awhile, recovery is just 2nd nature and living is so much easier. I still have bad days and darn it, Im still not perfect but I am alive and loved.
I'm not sure if this note is just a bunch of rambling or if it will mean anything to whoever reads it, but I just wanted to let you all know how I am doing and to let others know that its ok to go into recovery.
Much Love,
Sara
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