What does mental diagnoses and physical medical diagnoses have in common? They both need a doctor to diagnose and treatment cost a lot of moola. What does it NOT have in common? Acceptance.
They run in every family, including yours and mine. However, some are hidden in the closet. Some hide treatment in fear of losing respect or social gain. Some are proud and advocate while others do the prescribed treatment plan and sit back to do no more. Another thing in common is that, while these diagnoses run in every family worldwide, relatives and close friends will undermine the diagnoses and you are left alone.
All alone. I know that I feel and have felt this way to many times in my life. Mostly with my depression and eating disorders. I do believe mental illnesses have a bigger stigma and are looked down upon more so than a "real physical medical diagnoses". I know that this has left me to struggle in shame and I have had such a hard time accepting myself. Even to this day, it can be pretty lonely.
My self-esteem issues started as early as about 2nd grade and bloomed into depression and my eating disorder started to take over my body and mind in 5th grade. I believe I am genetically prone as well as I had many environmental factors that created such mental monster in my being. I blame no one for the way I am. We all have faults. Being a child with this illness made me feel inferior, ashamed, horribly embarrassed, and that I was undeserving of all good that life had to offer me. Vicious circles created a long path of devastation.
When I look at my family and its history, I believe most have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism or used food addictions. These addictions are an illness but also a symptom to help us deal with our lives being out of order or just plain stress in general. Looking back, I used food in such powerful ways to try and destroy me. Bad days, anxiety filled days, good days, all days and if some pissed me off or belittled me. I felt so unworthy that the only way to numb the pain was to binge and purge and restrict myself of food. My eating disorder was my escape from not only pain but reality. I knew I was in control and that the sicker I was, the safer I would be. When I say "safe", it is means that I was alone. No one bothered me, I didn't have to participate in life. Actually, I wasn't even living but just an empty Sara with no soul. While in my relapse of anorexia in 2006, I knew I was close to death but in ways that didn't bother me because I was already so lifeless. I do want you to know that all eating disorder do differ from person to person.
I am doing well with the eating disorder recovery as in actual text book symptoms of the behaviors that are used to diagnose such. However, to this day, it is harder for me to eat a healthy well balanced diet. To me, healthy food=healthy body and healthy body=happiness. Most days, I still feel unworthy of happiness. Have no fear though, I've come a long way and I know that this is changing for the better. I do try to be more mindful of what I need because I do want to continue recovery and strive in the life I have created for me. After all, I have a great husband, 2 amazing kids and a safe home. I do love the life I live in, I just need to keep learning to do the actual living. I do have some ideas, goals and changes that I have started on and want to start on in the future. (Sorry, later blog!)
Now, my depression. That is a whole mess of a story! Depression will always be with me I believe and I have continued to work in therapy, use my tools and trying hard to keep it manageable. Its hard for me to be accepting of this especially when others are quick to judge and use words such as "Snap out of it" or "This again" and "I'm used to it, its become a daily thing with you". Encouragement or reverse psychology you may be thinking, but as someone who suffers with major depressive disorder, it makes me feel even worse. I guess I don't have a clear statement of what you should say or do but I do know that sometimes I feel that I just want a big hug and a feeling of its going to be okay. Oh, but as an adult, I also battle with the whole grow up feeling and the whole I should be this or do this. Crazy head battle I tell you, but I guess that's what help those with depression isolate. Fear of rejection and petty back talk and stares. Easier to stay home. I'd say in this pass year, I've gained better control of some areas and in the others are clearer understanding of whats going on and ways of coping. I have taught myself to step back and break up the "high standard of what I should be doing" and focus on one task at a time. This has helped me greatly and some days, I can accomplish a whole lot more than what I had planned. Yes, some days, I barely make it through and on those days I try stay "grounded" and remind myself that its okay and that my body just need rest. Work in progress.
Therapy treatments have taught me that what worked for me may not work for you. We all have different factors that play a role in our illnesses and just as we all learn things better one way than another, recovery is the same. With my eating disorder, not counting days of behavior free or eating disorder free helped me stay strong. If I focused on the number of days and then had a "slip" the all or nothing thinking would bite my ass. So, as of today, I am in about 4 years of strong recovery from behaviors and honestly can say that I have no idea on an actual starting date. I am totally A OKAY with that!
